Goodbye, Tita Me

Dear Tita Me, 

For the first time, since Wednesday, I am allowing myself to grieve over you… without crying. 

Or at least I would try.

Maybe it hadn’t sunk just yet to me that you’re already gone, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I can’t tell right now. 

The last time I saw you while you try your best to hide the pain you’re going through, all I could think of is how I could help and take it away. 

I know it’s something I could not do but I want you to know that I really wish I could do anything to stop it. 

I hate to admit it to myself, but we all are aware that death is the only thing that could finally end it. 

Still, we couldn’t wish that you just die because we don’t want to lose you. 

Not just yet.

I know you don’t want people crying while looking at you and I’m really sorry for being a crybaby. 

Believe me, I tried my best not to shed a tear but they just won’t stop because while they pour, flashbacks of you and how you lived back then came with them. 

I remembered the first time you brought us (your pamangkins) in a bar. 

My first Baguio Trip that you had to bargain and ask Daddy to allow me to join you.

The watch you gave me as a High School graduation present.

The dinner-massage-coffee bonding treat you gave me when I went to Cebu.

The countless mornings I’ll join you to Manila and the stories we’d share during the drive.

The way you’d make ‘lambing’ with a kiss and a hug every time you’ll see me after a long time.

The Looney Tunes shirt you gave me one Christmas when I was still a kid. 

The crazy Bingo games you’re always giddy about every Christmas. 

I know there are still a lot to share. 

And as I type this, I’m sorry for crying again.

It’s just that I miss you and it pains me because I know, I’ll never see you again.

I love you and I’m sorry for not always being there for you.

I hope that you are in a happy place now free of pain and smiling down to us.

I am crying because I miss you.

And because I am happy that you don’t have to suffer any longer.

Don’t worry about Mama and Dada, we’ll look after them. 

I know you’ll never be alone because Papa, Tito Bong and Tito Jun are there to welcome you. 

I love you, Tita Noeme.

You hold the spot for the Coolest Tita Ever. I’m being biased but I know your sibs would also say that.  

I will forever admire you for your strength and independence. 

For your charm and wit,

and for your zest towards life. 

We accept this  pain coming from your loss because it liberated you from all the suffering.

Goodbye, Tita Me.

Send our hugs and kisses to Papa.

Until we meet again.

Arianne